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How to adjust to a new environment

salvador dali desert

Image by ksevik via Flickr

I have had the fortune to move to a new environment in another state. It has been a little stressful and I wanted to share some ideas that may make moving to a new place easier for you.

  1. Allow yourself time to adjust. I have been in my new place less than a week yet I want to continue with my life as though I had never left my previous place. It takes time to learn geography, culture, weather and so many other less defined things. I found it helpful to meditate and to allow to absorb my environment.
  2. Make time to connect to others. This is always important but even more so when moving to a new place. Take every opportunity to attend every social event you can. Find a group to join, and hang out in the popular places. Be friendly and be interested in others.
  3. Be open to feeling a little odd at first. You aren’t going to reflect your society in your first week. It might take a month or a year. Be ok with sometimes feeling strange, and admitting your discomfort. Often when you feel awkward so do others. Being emotionally honest is a very helpful thing in making friends.
  4. When you love life, look for ways to share your enthusiasm with others. Invite others to do things in public. Invite and don’t expect, but just give people opportunities to get to know you. Often people can be shy and not share who they are because of their own fears.
  5. Smile and laugh. Look for ways to enjoy life. If others are around you great, great. If they are not, that is ok too, because a naturally happy person soon attracts attention.

Why putting others needs ahead of yours is a mistake

Mokey

Mokey

Well meaning people often tell you that being a good person means you have to put others needs ahead of your own. However I recently learned this is a mistake. Here is why.

First, by doing this you often take part in unhealthy relationships. The foundation of the co-dependent relationship is when one person feels obligated to help someone else. Why do we feel this way and what can be done instead?

The idea of hero is strong in many cultures. It is unavoidable that we internalize and feel that we need to be a hero in our own lives. A hero usually denies his own needs to “do good” for others. Never mind that the “good” that they do often makes things worse. It is also the case that we seem to need to prove our own worth and value by how “useful” we are to others. So sometimes we overdo things and do more harm than good.

For example I used to always listen to my friends and be there when they need it. Sounds perfectly admirable right? Well the problem was that I was taken advantage of and get dumped on emotionally by those friends who knew that I was a patient listener. They would tell me their problems and then when I wanted to share something with them they didn’t have time. So I had to let those “friends” go.

There is nothing wrong with giving, but if you always give your life is out of balance. You have to be open to receiving just as much as you give. Otherwise you will have nothing to give or want to give.

*PS Apparently I channelled Mokey. This is the same thing she said in the episode: “The Incredible Shrinking Mokey” that I watched hours after writing this post.

Stories from my past: You will probably love Seven Habits of Highly effective people.

Habits Kairouan

Image via Wikipedia

I had many inspiring and helpful teachers as I was growing up. One of them suggested a book that was fairly new at the time. She said “You will probably love Seven Habits of Highly Effective people.” It changed my life.

I am sharing this now because I mentioned it yesterday in a conversation I had yesterday. Have you ever had a book or a person that you ran into and they changed who you are? It happens sometimes and inside you know that your life has been enlarged and you feel happier.

I had that same teacher tell me “You don’t always have to do something. Sometimes just being who you are is all that you should do.” I have felt often that because I have been a middle class white guy I have had more privileges than many other people. So it seems to me that those who have more than they need have an opportunity to share it with others. If you ever have the chance to give to others, it is a great feeling. I can’t imagine why people can take greater pleasure in material goods and not helping others. I have had nice material things too, but they never made me happy. Only sharing things with others made me happy.

I really believe that humans are happiest when we can give and receive. We give and receive love, and to me, respect and kindness are the first steps.

Things I’m not sure you should say: Fixer upper

Original Description: Dagestani types. Man and...

Image via Wikipedia

Sometimes you really don’t know what to do when someone says something crazy, so you just try to ignore it. Sometimes it is hard to forgive thoughtless statements. Here is something that I heard two people in a relationship say in a coffee place. I don’t try to listen, people talk very loud when talking about personal things too often.

The Man: “So what do you think of seeing each other on a more serious basis?”

The Female: “I don’t know. I don’t think that I am in the place in my life for a serious relationship right now.”

The Man: “Well you have potential. I have looked at homes lately and some of them are broken down and need work. You can be my fixer upper girlfriend.”

The Female: (Stunned and doesn’t know what to say)

I got up and left. I don’t need to hear any more.

Cell Phone Etiquette Cellphones.org

 

Cell Phone Etiquette Cellphones.org. Sometimes I have taken public transportation and people talk about the most personal things very loudly. We don’t need to hear about your medical or romantic problems.

artistic photo


Originally uploaded by Faiza A Khan

Creative work isn’t it? I love the details and shadows. It is very suggestive.

Stories from the coffeehouse: Love in a wreak

Last year I started to meet people in a local coffeehouse and I wanted to share some of their touching stories. These were strangers that I was friendly to, and all of these stories are true.

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As he walked in the door with his girlfriend I could see it was difficult for him.  As he moved slowly using his forearm crutches, his beautiful girlfriend helped him.  He sat down with difficulty across the table from me into one of the comfortable leather chairs.

“Do you want some coffee or hot chocolate?”, his girlfriend asked him.

“Coffee please, with two sugars.”, he responded.

After she left I noticed that he was looking around so I smiled at him and said “I wish I could get my girlfriend trained like that.  What is your secret?”

He laughed and said “It’s nothing that a strong backhand doesn’t fix.” Of course he was joking because he looked weak and incapable of that behavior.  He continued “Na, I am just joking.  She is a sweet woman and we help each other out.”

His girlfriend reappeared and I said “Your boyfriend said that you were a sweet woman and you guys help each other out.  I’m jealous.”

She responded and said “Of course, he used to help me out why shouldn’t I help him out?” in a rhetorical manner.  “My name is Susan nice to meet you.”

As I spoke with both of them I discovered that he had been in an accident and he showed me his left leg that had a huge scar in the middle of the leg where he said it had been cut open after the car accident.  He lifted up the leg of his pants to the knee showing me his prosthetic leg.  More incredibly he described how he had been starved of oxygen for several minutes and the doctor said to his girlfriend that he wouldn’t survive or be retarded.

I would be remiss if I didn’t say here that the look of love on his girlfriends face was bordering on crying.  I felt like crying myself because of the odds that he overcame and the strength he showed doing it.  He seemed to be in pain talking so I asked his girlfriend if he was in pain, and she said yes.

“After that surgery he had his hip replaced and even though he is on the strongest pain medications, he still is suffering.”, Susan said.

I asked why he wasn’t given further medicine then to dull the pain and she said that it just isn’t allowed.  I could see that they loved each other so much.  I said “You are so proud of him.  What makes you so happy to be with him?”

It was an endless stream of compliments she gave him.  She explained how he had been in college until the accident, and that he will continue once he finishes healing.  She explained how he had helped her though school, and how much she is looking forward to their future together.

It was mesmerizing.  He didn’t complain and she said he never complained and that he found ways to help her.  When you see and experience people who are struggling yet still find ways to give of themselves, it makes you feel very motivated to share yourself.

As they left I said goodbye to both of them and they seemed glad for the conversation we had.  I couldn’t help but think that when so many people complain about how worthless relationships are, they have never had the experience that these two young people have.  Love can blossom from painful, ugly things, even one where you lose part of who you are.

The Technology of Friendship (via An Ordinary World)

Has meeting people from online for friendship worked for you? I have met some nice people in life from online. Still it seems easier to meet someone in life first and get to know them than through the Internet.

The Technology of Friendship Technology wasn’t always a factor in finding new people and cultivating friendships. As a child, friendships were usually forged in the coat closet of Kindergarten or during recess. Invitations to parties were done by sending out mass amounts of notecards bought at a card store. Nowadays, that still happens, but as we get older, technology comes into play. While there are sometimes crazy men and women on the Internet who try to find unassuming ch … Read More

via An Ordinary World